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- Auld Lang Sigh: The Jokes We Had to Say Goodbye To
Auld Lang Sigh: The Jokes We Had to Say Goodbye To
This year’s most-clicked cybersecurity fixes that saved more servers than your morning coffee
Happy New Year’s Eve Eve!
If you’re reading this, congrats: you survived 2025! As a treat, we’ll be showing some love to all the jokes that didn’t. So, welcome to the ByteSize Bloopers edition!
But first, let’s hop in Marty McFly’s Delorean and travel back 21 years ago…
On this day in 2004, Facebook registered its one millionth user. Back then, unverified extraterrestrial Mark Zuckerberg was just a Harvard sophomore with just a couple questionable pit-stained hoodies and even more questionable social skills, launching what he thought was a "private network for US college students."
Fast-forward 21 years, and Facebook has become the digital town square where your uncle shares conspiracy theories and your high school classmates sell essential oils. Who could have predicted that a platform designed to rate college girls would eventually become humanity's nervous system? Certainly not the guy who thought wearing the same gray t-shirt every day was peak efficiency.
2025: THE EPSTEIN DELETED JOKE FILES
With 2025 coming to an end, we were gonna do a heartfelt year-in-review, but then we remembered we’re not Wired.
So, we’ve got champagne in one hand and redacted jokes in the other. Here's our year-end roundup of the comedy gold that never saw your inbox. Consider this our director's cut. These are the lines that made someone in a suit say "absolutely not," while clutching their liability insurance.
Now, let’s pour one out for the jokes that died on the cutting room floor. And by “floor,” we mean “Google Docs.”
THE TOP 10 JOKES THAT DIDN’T K*LL THEMSELVES:
On a new SaaS platform: Investors are throwing money at them like divorced dads at a strip club during custody weekend.
On one of Bezos's many projects: Jeff Bezos, who is famously a very affable guy with a big heart... Just kidding: he recently bought $600M worth of yachts.
On global cyberattacks: A dangerous new malware logged 280 million attempts to steal your data — still more committed than your last situationship.
On AI workplace mandates: Two AIs walk into a bar. The first says 00110100. The second says: 'Claude, you're wasted. Let me order.'
On Microsoft's CoPilot push: Microsoft's answer to a question nobody asked: What if AI, but bad?
On Indian government sites being hacked: Imagine if 90+ government websites started popping up those 'hot singles in your area' ads…
On one out of a gazillion AI corporate dramas: OpenAI is furious that DeepSeek might have stolen data that OpenAI originally stole from everyone else. It's like watching a pickpocket complain someone stole their stolen wallet.
On enterprise systems: Most IT infrastructure is held together by duct tape, prayers, and one guy who hasn't taken a vacation in six years.
On Microsoft's Windows updates: It's like watching a billion-dollar company cosplay as a startup running on Red Bull and broken dreams.
On TeamGroup's self-destruct SSD: At 42 grams and just over 3.5 inches long, it's small enough to smuggle anywhere but dramatic enough as if you're deleting your OnlyFans burner wallet before your spouse checks the ledger.
…and as an added bonus, here’s another OnlyFans one on cloud miners pirating processing power: Well, what’s the solution? How about stop exposing your Docker API to the internet like it's an OnlyFans account..
Hey there, Chip here! I’ve been your pixelated pal who's been watching you debug life one Stack Overflow search at a time for the past year. So, here are some of the 2025’s most clicked articles from our EE community — basically, the stuff that kept you up at night googling frantically:
Someone discovered their Group Policy Objects had more holes than a Windows Vista security model
Another is trying to resolve ****Sweet32 birthday attacks on windows servers, because even birthday parties can be cyberattacks now!
A peek into how passkeys will be the future of authentication. (For those tired of explaining to users why "password123!" isn't fortress-level security!)
Well folks, that's been our year in the rearview mirror. One where AI promised to solve everything and instead gave us more creative ways to break things.
Here's to 2026… and let’s send 2025 off with a bang (and maybe a cease-and-desist).
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