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Minnesota Panics, Russia Crashes, Orange Gets Juiced
ALSO: UK gov extends cloud deals like a procrastinating student and Elon spills Tesla's $16.5B secret
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Well hello there, beautiful people! It’s August 5th, and the only thing hotter than this weather is you… just kidding, I meant your CPU. (Just kidding, again!)
Now, for a brilliant non-sequitur…. Did you know on this day in 1858, the first transatlantic telegraph cable was finally completed? Only after four attempts that would make a Netflix series cancellation look like a minor inconvenience. American merchant Cyrus West Field managed to stretch a wire across the Atlantic Ocean — basically the 19th century equivalent of getting WiFi to work in your basement.
Hacking Everything Everywhere All at Once
You know that feeling when you're debugging code at 3 AM and suddenly realize you've been staring at a semicolon for two hours? Well, this week's cyber incidents make that look like a relaxing meditation session, and we’re highlighting the three that would make even the most caffeinated security engineer reach for something stronger than Red Bull.
Starting off with the Gopher State: Minnesota Governor Tim Walz had to activate the actual National Guard because the City of Saint Paul got cyber-pwned harder than Ned Stark in Season 1. The attack has been going on since Friday, which in cybersecurity terms is basically forever — like waiting for George R.R. Martin to finish his next book.
The city's digital services are down, online payments are toast, and some library services are "temporarily unavailable." It's giving major Nathan Fielder energy — the plan was simple: run a city without proper cybersecurity measures.
Meanwhile, Aeroflot learned the hard way that you can't just pretend hackers don't exist. Ukrainian and Belarusian hacktivist groups 'Silent Crow' and 'Cyberpartisans BY' claimed they've been lurking in Aeroflot's systems for over a year like that friend who overstays their welcome, except they actually did something productive with their time.
These hackers allegedly wiped 7,000 physical and virtual servers, 12TB of databases, and basically turned Aeroflot's IT infrastructure into the technological equivalent of Chernobyl. Over 60 flights got cancelled, which probably made Russian air travel about as reliable as Elon's Twitter promises.
And finally, not to be outdone, French telecommunications company Orange discovered that their "secure" network had about as much protection as a screen door on a submarine. Orange Cyberdefense (yes, that's actually their cybersecurity division's name — the irony is thicker than Zuckberg's sunscreen) detected a breached system that led to operational disruptions.
The good news? They say no customer data was stolen. The bad news? That's exactly what every company says right before we find out that yes, actually, all your data was definitely stolen and is now being sold on the dark web next to knockoff Supreme hoodies.
Google Workspace Finally Admits Cookies Aren't Just for Eating
Google's rolling out Device Bound Session Credentials (DBSC) — which sounds like something you'd need a prescription for, but is actually their attempt to stop hackers from stealing the digital cookies that keep you logged in.
Remember when Linus Tech Tips got hacked because someone downloaded a "totally legitimate" sponsorship file that was actually malware in disguise? Yeah, this is Google's response to that — only about two years too late, which in tech time is basically a geological epoch.
The feature works by binding your session cookies to your specific device, making it harder for bad actors to steal your login credentials and impersonate you online. It's like having a bouncer for your browser, except this bouncer actually checks IDs instead of just flexing menacingly.
Windows 11 Task Manager Gets a Math Tutor
Microsoft finally realized that having different tabs in Task Manager calculate CPU usage differently was about as helpful as Jeff Bezos's tips for saving money. The Processes tab was showing CPU usage without accounting for the number of cores. So, a single-threaded process could claim it was using "100% CPU" while actually only touching one core — like bragging about finishing a book when you only read the SparkNotes.
They're also adding some new Copilot+ features that include "agent-powered search" for the Settings app, because apparently Microsoft thinks the real problem with Windows isn't the convoluted settings structure, but that we're not using enough AI to navigate it. It's giving strong "we've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas" vibes.
⚙️ Tool Time
SOC 2 in 19 Days using AI Agents
We’re Delve — the team that went viral for sending custom doormats to over 100 fast-growing startups.
That stunt? It cost us just $6K and generated over $500K in pipeline. Not bad for a doormat.
But if you haven’t heard of us yet, here’s what we actually do: Delve helps the fastest-growing AI companies automate their compliance — think SOC 2, HIPAA, ISO 27001, and more — in just 15 hours, not months.
Our AI agents collect evidence, generate policies, and prep everything while you keep building. And when it’s time to close your enterprise deal? Our security experts hop on the sales call with you.
We’ve helped companies like Lovable, Bland, Wispr, and Flow get compliant and grow faster — and we’d love to help you, too.
👨💻 Job Opportunities
The bank not only wants to know what’s in your wallet, but also if you’re the type of tech wizard who can handle cybersecurity audits without having an existential crisis. You'll need 5+ years of IT experience and the ability to explain to executives why they can’t just write their passwords on a sticky note for everyone to see.
The NYC-based global management consultant firm wonders who can translate "your security is fundamentally broken" into corporate-speak for them. You'll need 4+ years of cybersecurity consulting experience and the emotional fortitude to explain GDPR compliance to people who still think "the cloud" is just weather.
This one is for the wearable-tech obsessed Bostonians ****who can design secure systems while keeping up with their AI initiatives. You'll need to enjoy building digital fortresses that can actually withstand more than a light breeze.
Colorado’s largest locally-owned bank is searching for a data security specialist who can manage MFA implementations without wanting to throw their laptop out the window. You'll need PowerShell skills and the patience to explain to users why their password can't be "ilovemymommy93" without making them feel personally attacked.
🛩 Industry Moves
The UK government extended their G-Cloud framework deals by six months and £1.65 billion because apparently even the government struggles with project timelines — it's like watching a group project where everyone procrastinated until the last minute.
Elon Musk accidentally revealed Tesla's $16.5 billion chip deal with Samsung, proving once again that the man has about as much filter as a broken coffee maker. Samsung wanted to keep it confidential, but Elon's gonna Elon.
NordVPN launched spam call protection just as VPNs are booming in the UK thanks to new age restriction laws. It's the circle of life: government creates problem, tech companies create solution, everyone makes money except the users who just wanted to watch cat videos in peace.
OpenAI's ChatGPT Agent proved it can click through "I am not a robot" verification tests while literally narrating "This step is necessary to prove I'm not a bot." The irony is so thick you could cut it with a blockchain knife.
Hey there, Chip here! This week our community has been busy solving some truly brain-bending problems:
Someone's planning a complete infrastructure overhaul with virtualization and disaster recovery across six branch offices connected via MPLS. They're considering Hyper-Converged Infrastructure, which sounds like something Tony Stark would build in his garage, but is actually just a really efficient way to run your entire IT setup without losing your mind.
Another user discovered they've received nearly 14,000 DMARC reports since 2021 and is wondering if that's normal or if their domain is throwing the digital equivalent of a very loud, very long party. That's a lot of reports, but at least someone's paying attention to email security!
Finally, we've got someone looking for a cloud backup solution for their physical Windows AD server that won't require them to sacrifice their firstborn to the cloud gods. They want bare-metal recovery and end-to-end encryption — basically the Fort Knox of backup solutions.
…and that’s it for now! Until next week—log off before the sun sets or your soul does.
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